When I Grow Up...

No one asks a grown up "what do you want to be [when you grow up]"?

It's like everyone just assumes that once you've reached a certain age, you stop growing, stop dreaming. You stop setting life goals for yourself and no longer want to become someone or make something of yourself. And that's a shame, because that one innocent question can actually do so much. It can help someone start to re-think their life and goals.

When I was little, my answer to this question would always be "an athlete" or "a singer".

When I was in Elementary School, like most kids, I wanted to follow my mom's footsteps and become an accountant.

When I was in High School, I started taking this question more seriously and answered "a translator". (Although, we had to fill in a questionnaire at school and there was a question - if all jobs would have equal pay, what would be your dream job? - to which I answered in bold caps - a BARTENDER! (go figure...)).

Now, at the age of 25, my answer would be completely different. Just no one asks anymore. But I'm going to answer anyways!

Observing the relationships of my parents, friends and people around me, has made me realize how truly selfish people can be, and how much I actually desire to be loved and to love someone back. Day by day it gets more clear to me, that my true goal in life is not to reach the very top of my career ladder or to have a fortune in my bank account, but to be a wife!

I see people make so many mistakes in their relationships. How selfish, ungrateful and impatient they are. How intolerant and non-supportive. Everything is done by a selfish intent. There are scoreboards with points on them for each and every selfless and kind act, just to shove them in the other person's face in the future.

Of course, this doesn't mean that everyone is bad and evil in their relationships, but there are some simple wrong-doings that are just so obvious to me and make no sense, as it is not what I would want or do in a relationship and partnership.

All I want is to just be with someone. To love someone unconditionally, with all my heart, to support, do good and help! Not so I could keep a score on an imaginary scoreboard or to get a big, loud "THANK YOU" in front of everyone, but so I could simply make the other person smile, feel better, safer and not so lonely in this crazy world. With no stupid competitions, pointless mind games, schemes or silly grudges. I just want to truly love someone and be loved back.

What has brought this all up, you might ask? A lot of things combined.

First, my dad's mom died today. I'm not calling her a 'grandma' because she's never been one to me. But despite all that, this isn't a time to remember all the bad things and dwell on them. This is a time, when we all must forget the past and be there for those, who lost a mom, a friend and so on. Even if just for the day. But... Everyone else in the family thinks differently. They believe this is the time to think about all the hurt feelings and resentments over the years. Which, if you ask me, is pretty selfish.

Second, I have many friends who are unhappy in their relationships. I'm everyone's therapist and a private diary, which I don't mind, but it gets frustrating sometimes, since they tell me everything in detail, while they're not willing to talk to their partners at all. And it might be just my opinion, but in order to resolve something, you need to actually talk it out.

All this makes me think of how selfish and unappreciative people can be. They take these relationships for granted and don't appreciate what they have. They're not willing to put in some extra effort to make it work. Meanwhile, I'm over here just being completely alone with all this extra love and care, and understanding, but no one to give it to. (Which really sucks for my cat Martini, who has to deal with my annoying, unconditional, overbearing love).

That being said, I love my friends and family, and they are all amazing and wonderful people. Who I just want to slap sometimes. But we all have those urges, right? Someone, please, agree with me.

Now I must bid you adieu! As I check out all your blogs while sipping my 900th cup of tea, since I am incredibly and annoyingly sick.
AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE TEA! :(

Take care, everyone!

-B-

Let Go, Let God

Oh boy, it's been a couple of months... 

And so much has happened, I'm not even sure where to start. First things first, Happy New Year to each and every one of you. I hope it has started out well and everyone is doing great. I've been away from the blogging world for a while because, well... for the first time in history - life happened! 

Now let me fill you in on that dramatic statement. For a long time I've been calling myself an "emo hamster" who had no life. Meaning - I was a workaholic who lived at home with my parents, all comfy in my little "cage", stuffing my cheeks with food and meeting friends as rarely as possible. Life was very comfortable that way. I was living in a constant circle, like a hamster's wheel - eat, sleep, work, repeat. I've always been insecure about myself in every single way, so I've been avoiding people and public places as much as I can my whole life. I liked being alone. I still do. But before New Year's Eve I did a lot of thinking and came to a conclusion that I was in need of some change. I simply said to myself - 2018 is going to be MY year!

Honestly, everything happened so fast. In a blink of an eye I was a completely different person. I didn't just step outside my comfort zone. It was like I had tied that comfort zone to a balloon, let it go and watched it fly away and disappear into the abyss of the Universe. 

I spent New Year's Eve with my best friend in Riga, which is the capital of Latvia. I've never even liked the city, yet here I was, an ex emo hamster, celebrating with million strangers side by side. I met many new interesting people, made new friends and even arranged a date at midnight because I was determined to get a New Year's kiss and, honestly - it was the best New Year's Eve in my life! 

Next step was dealing with my confidence. My family booked a week long vacation in Canary Islands. Now, imagine someone who's completely insecure about her body being forced to relax by the pool under a palm tree, surrounded by many people. Day 1 was an emotional roller-coaster. I was super excited, since it was my first time in a place like that. But I was also panicking about the whole people/pool/sunbathing situation. But then my sister said those famous words - WHO THE HELL CARES? And I thought to myself - indeed. Nobody cares. Everyone is there to relax, have a great time and mind their own business. So why should I care? And just like that - I stopped. I truly stopped caring and I was laying by the pool the next morning with a cold beer in my hand, enjoying the view of the volcano without a single worry. (Beer was super cheap there and I was on a vacation, and it was super hot so don't judge me, people!)

My view every day for a week

Tenerife is the most beautiful place I've ever been to. So far. And I came back happier than ever, charged with positive energy and enough vitamin D to last a lifetime. Or at least a couple of months. Now, I know what you're thinking. Usually this whole - new year, new me - thing doesn't last long. And that was one of the things I was worried about. Since everything happened in full swing, I was scared my enthusiasm would burn out too fast. But then a week after I got back from the Canaries, my friend called and said: "Hey, I got a job offer in Riga. Wanna share an apartment with me?" And it took me only a couple of seconds before the new me was ready to jump into yet another adventure, the words came out themselves- WHY NOT? So as of February 1st I'm officially living in Riga. 

It's been only a month, but my life is changing more and more each day. But it's all good stuff! Most of it is, at least. I've had some ups and downs, some tears, some laughs, some good events, some weird events, some dates and funny stories, but lets leave it for another post. For now I'm just happy that my wish is coming true day by day. 2018 IS my year. And I couldn't be happier. And I'm not writing this to brag; I just want others to know that it's possible to change your life and thinking for the better. And it is actually not that hard to just LET GO! Of everything. It's easier than we think. You just have to want it. For the first time in my life I truly understand the saying 'Let go - let God'. I'm a living example of it. Just let go, people. Let go of the fears and insecurities. Stop worrying what others think and just enjoy life! 

I'm gonna finish on this spiritual, encouraging note and try to catch up with all your blogs. It's gonna take me some time, since I only stopped being an emo hamster, I never stopped being a workaholic, so I gotta combined work with reading. But I'll get to it!

Take care for now!

-B-