Wednesday, August 9, 2017

I'm angry at life

What? But Baiba, you're such a positive person. How can you be angry at life? Well, let me tell you.

6 years ago my sister took a drastic decision (something she never does, well... never did) and flew to Germany to work as an Au-pair for this little family (Latvian mom, German dad and a little boy who was 1 and a half years old at the time). We were all surprised by this decision, as she had never done anything like this. She's the good kid. I'm the black sheep of the family. Not to say that this was a bad decision, it was just so sudden and out of the ordinary for her. She used to be this quite girl who always does the right thing, stays safe etc. And now she's packing her bags, moving to a different country to work for complete strangers. We were all scared for her, but she was calm and confident about her decision. And it was the best decision she's ever made.

This family is one of the best people I've ever met. They're open minded, nice and welcoming. My sister has traveled half the world with them, helped them with their son, housework and basically became a part of the family. Imagine my surprise, when I was accepted just as easily when I visited. I used to spend my summers in Germany and they took me in with no questions asked. I was treated like family. 
Last two summers my family has driven from Latvia to Germany to visit them. The bond that we have with this family is extraordinary and simply amazing to say the least. I'm not sure if all Au-pair experiences turn out as ours did. My sister has helped them raise the kid into this young, wonderful little boy who's a passionate hockey player and the smartest kid in class, and our families have had a wonderful 6 year long relationship which, I'm sure, will last forever.

A month ago we received some terrible news. His dad had lung cancer. His surgery was scheduled in August, so we all agreed that the kid would spend the month in Latvia with my family. He loves visiting here and we had planned some great, fun activities.

5 days had passed since he landed in Latvia and had settled here for his vacation, when we got the last update... His dad had passed away. 
I've gone through some terrible things in my life. Many deaths, suicides, bullying and just about anything else. But nothing quite like this. Obviously my whole family was struck by this. My sister the most, as he was like a second dad to her. It hit me hard too, because that man was so inspiring and amazing, and we all appreciate the things he's done for my sister and our family. But the thing that hurts the most is the fact that a little 8 year old boy is left without a father. 
And that is the hardest thing I've ever had to witness. 
When his mom called to tell him, I couldn't take it. I cried so much, my eyes were sore. How do you tell a little boy his dad is gone? His best friend, his biggest fan. 
When a kid is hurt, you just want to hug him and make everything better for him. But this time I had to witness a little boy's heart get broken and there was absolutely nothing I could do to make it better. And it's the worst feeling in the world.

So, why am I angry at life? 
Sure, amongst all the wars and killings, and other terrible things that are happening in the world, this might seem as such a small thing. But it's not to me. I'm angry that there are so many truly evil people alive, healthy and living their pathetic lives. But this kind, selfless, smart, wonderful man who's done nothing but good in his life is now gone because of a stupid cancer, and a little boy is now without a dad. It's not fair. And yes, I'm not a kid, I know life's not fair. But that's exactly why I'm angry.

My whole family lost a dear friend. The little boy lost a father. His mom lost a husband. And the world lost a truly good man. 
Rest in peace, my dear friend. Thank you for everything you've done for me and my family. Thank you for inspiring me and making me see the world differently. And don't worry, we will all keep an eye on your little boy. He's family.



  1. That's so sad. I'm sorry for everyone involved.


  2. Poor baby; my prayers are for you, him & his family!!

  3. Dear Baiba, thank you for being willing to let your anger emerge in this posting. That honesty and the tanger can be cleansing. We all know that life isn't fair and that bad things happen to good people. And always, we ask, "Why? Why did this happen?" Why is a little boy left without a father, a wife without a husband, friends without a friend? And the answer is simply wrapped in mystery. All we can do is what you are doing--comfort the boy, be patient with yourself and your confusion, rejoice in the life given you because so frequently we forget to be grateful for life. Baiba, be good to yourself right now. Cry and weep and wail and know that you are One with all of us who grieve with you and for you. Peace and love, Dee

  4. Baiba, when you lose someone from your life that is good and kind, it really makes you wonder how other people who hurt others are still here...There is a divine reason, basically we have our own free will and unfortunately bad things happen to good people and others that go around hurting others who seem to be getting away with it, we will have to answer to the truth one day