Monday, September 3, 2018

When I Grow Up...

No one asks a grown up "what do you want to be [when you grow up]"?

It's like everyone just assumes that once you've reached a certain age, you stop growing, stop dreaming. You stop setting life goals for yourself and no longer want to become someone or make something of yourself. And that's a shame, because that one innocent question can actually do so much. It can help someone start to re-think their life and goals.

When I was little, my answer to this question would always be "an athlete" or "a singer".

When I was in Elementary School, like most kids, I wanted to follow my mom's footsteps and become an accountant.

When I was in High School, I started taking this question more seriously and answered "a translator". (Although, we had to fill in a questionnaire at school and there was a question - if all jobs would have equal pay, what would be your dream job? - to which I answered in bold caps - a BARTENDER! (go figure...)).

Now, at the age of 25, my answer would be completely different. Just no one asks anymore. But I'm going to answer anyways!

Observing the relationships of my parents, friends and people around me, has made me realize how truly selfish people can be, and how much I actually desire to be loved and to love someone back. Day by day it gets more clear to me, that my true goal in life is not to reach the very top of my career ladder or to have a fortune in my bank account, but to be a wife!

I see people make so many mistakes in their relationships. How selfish, ungrateful and impatient they are. How intolerant and non-supportive. Everything is done by a selfish intent. There are scoreboards with points on them for each and every selfless and kind act, just to shove them in the other person's face in the future.

Of course, this doesn't mean that everyone is bad and evil in their relationships, but there are some simple wrong-doings that are just so obvious to me and make no sense, as it is not what I would want or do in a relationship and partnership.

All I want is to just be with someone. To love someone unconditionally, with all my heart, to support, do good and help! Not so I could keep a score on an imaginary scoreboard or to get a big, loud "THANK YOU" in front of everyone, but so I could simply make the other person smile, feel better, safer and not so lonely in this crazy world. With no stupid competitions, pointless mind games, schemes or silly grudges. I just want to truly love someone and be loved back.

What has brought this all up, you might ask? A lot of things combined.

First, my dad's mom died today. I'm not calling her a 'grandma' because she's never been one to me. But despite all that, this isn't a time to remember all the bad things and dwell on them. This is a time, when we all must forget the past and be there for those, who lost a mom, a friend and so on. Even if just for the day. But... Everyone else in the family thinks differently. They believe this is the time to think about all the hurt feelings and resentments over the years. Which, if you ask me, is pretty selfish.

Second, I have many friends who are unhappy in their relationships. I'm everyone's therapist and a private diary, which I don't mind, but it gets frustrating sometimes, since they tell me everything in detail, while they're not willing to talk to their partners at all. And it might be just my opinion, but in order to resolve something, you need to actually talk it out.

All this makes me think of how selfish and unappreciative people can be. They take these relationships for granted and don't appreciate what they have. They're not willing to put in some extra effort to make it work. Meanwhile, I'm over here just being completely alone with all this extra love and care, and understanding, but no one to give it to. (Which really sucks for my cat Martini, who has to deal with my annoying, unconditional, overbearing love).

That being said, I love my friends and family, and they are all amazing and wonderful people. Who I just want to slap sometimes. But we all have those urges, right? Someone, please, agree with me.

Now I must bid you adieu! As I check out all your blogs while sipping my 900th cup of tea, since I am incredibly and annoyingly sick.

Take care, everyone!


  1. You're right. Most relationships are full of problems, because all of us have flaws, but working through them makes the relationships even stronger. The sticking-to-it, in spite of the problems, is what it means to truly love someone... the willingness to communicate and compromise. You're already aware of some of the shortcomings, so you're ahead of a lot of other people. You'll be fine. The challenge will be in finding a man who has the same awareness of what it takes to make a relationship work, and who will be as open to communicating with you as you will be with him. It can happen! I've been married for nearly fifty years, and we're still going strong. Is it perfect? Of course not, but it gets better all the time. When you do find that special someone, never ever take him for granted, and hope he never takes you for granted, either.

    1. I already try to be that way with my friends and family. Many people tend to take things for granted. I just hope I stick to my attitude and actions as the time goes. If you're still going strong after so long, that is just admirable and amazing!

  2. I've been married for 63 years & Susan said it all for me!!

    1. The idea of being with the same person for so long is scary! But amazing as well!!!

  3. I'll never grow up so it's fine if people ask me what I want to do.


  4. Dear Baiba, as you know, I've never been married. But I've known many couples whose marriage was/is built on a rock-solid respect and love for one another. Always I see them struggle at time to meld their varied interests and thoughts, but if they have learned to communicate--as you have noted in your posting--then they can solve problems togethers.

    From my observation of married relationships that continue to thrive, I would say that Susan's comment is so helpful.

    And from my reading of your blog these past years, I would say that you are going to look for and find someone whose heart and soul, mind and will are compatible with yours.

    By the way, I watched a Wallander episode on DVD last night. He had to fly from Sweden to Latvia and he there a woman whose names was Baiba!!!!! And I wondered if your name is one of the favorites there, just as Amy and Ashley are favorites here in the United States. Peace always, pressed down and overflowing.

    1. Thank you! I hope I find someone like that!
      And Baiba is a pretty common name in Latvia. Not the most popular one, though. As I just checked, apparently there are around 6699 Baibas in Latvia, which is quite a lot, since the total population in Latvia is only 1 929 938 people. But its funny how now, because of me, you notice these things on tv shows and elsewhere!

    2. Dear Baiba, yes! as soon as the name of the character was said in the drama episode I was watching, I thought, "I know a Baiba!" It was such a joy to hear your name pronounced. Peace.

  5. You sound like an amazing person and I hope that by now you found some one as sweet as yourself, if not my best wishes are with you. Take care of yourself.