“When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive”

Since it’s summer vacation, I have a lot of free time, so today I took all the family albums and just looked at the pictures to remember the good old times. At the beginning I was laughing all the time, cause of my childhood pictures. I was funny little kid. But then I got to one picture that changed my mood completely and I actually started crying. It was a picture of me with my godfather.

And for you to understand everything, here is a story:

It was my 12th birthday. As usual my mom was arranging a party for me and all day long she was cooking and cleaning so that everything was perfect. I was at the town, getting my ears pierced. I remember how excited I was. I’ve always liked birthday parties. So the day was awesome so far. I got home, looking cute with my earrings, all dressed up. In the afternoon all the guests arrived, I got my presents, kisses, hugs, and the party was about to start. Then my mom called me in the kitchen. And she said those terrible words I never want to hear again: „I have something to tell you”… Since it was my birthday I had so many thoughts in my head that she had a surprise or something for me, but that was sooo not it at all… My mom came closer, put her hand on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said: „Your godfather was found dead this morning. He committed suicide last night”.

I don’t really know what happened to me, but I didn’t say a word… I guess I was in shock…But during party, I didn’t even mention it all. I had great time…Until the guests left. After everyone was gone, I went in my room and started crying. All kinds of thoughts went through my head. Mostly one question – WHY? And then came the most terrible thought – why exactly on my birthday? Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe he didn’t have money to buy me a gift… (now, I know this is silly, cause that was totally not the case, but as a child that was the only thought I had)

Years went by and now that I’m older I know he had problems and all… And I don’t think it was my fault anymore. Now when I visit his grave, I leave flowers, light some candles, think about all the good times we had together and just thank him for being the best godfather.

It’s been 6 years now and I thought I’m ok. But when I saw the picture today, I realized that it’s not ok. I haven’t got my closure with all this. I cry every time I think about him, I’m mad! I am so mad at him for doing what he did. On my birthday… He left me. Without saying a word.

I loved him so much and I miss him. I miss him a lot. And I think this is so hard for me because I haven’t forgiven him what he did. I know it’s not right, but I just…can’t. And I don’t know what to do.

-B-