Friday, June 10, 2011

“When a deep injury is done to us, we never recover until we forgive”

Since it’s summer vacation, I have a lot of free time, so today I took all the family albums and just looked at the pictures to remember the good old times. At the beginning I was laughing all the time, cause of my childhood pictures. I was funny little kid. But then I got to one picture that changed my mood completely and I actually started crying. It was a picture of me with my godfather.

And for you to understand everything, here is a story:

It was my 12th birthday. As usual my mom was arranging a party for me and all day long she was cooking and cleaning so that everything was perfect. I was at the town, getting my ears pierced. I remember how excited I was. I’ve always liked birthday parties. So the day was awesome so far. I got home, looking cute with my earrings, all dressed up. In the afternoon all the guests arrived, I got my presents, kisses, hugs, and the party was about to start. Then my mom called me in the kitchen. And she said those terrible words I never want to hear again: „I have something to tell you”… Since it was my birthday I had so many thoughts in my head that she had a surprise or something for me, but that was sooo not it at all… My mom came closer, put her hand on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes and said: „Your godfather was found dead this morning. He committed suicide last night”.
I don’t really know what happened to me, but I didn’t say a word… I guess I was in shock…But during party, I didn’t even mention it all. I had great time…Until the guests left. After everyone was gone, I went in my room and started crying. All kinds of thoughts went through my head. Mostly one question – WHY? And then came the most terrible thought – why exactly on my birthday? Maybe it’s my fault. Maybe he didn’t have money to buy me a gift… (now, I know this is silly, cause that was totally not the case, but as a child that was the only thought I had)

Years went by and now that I’m older I know he had problems and all… And I don’t think it was my fault anymore. Now when I visit his grave, I leave flowers, light some candles, think about all the good times we had together and just thank him for being the best godfather.

It’s been 6 years now and I thought I’m ok. But when I saw the picture today, I realized that it’s not ok. I haven’t got my closure with all this. I cry every time I think about him, I’m mad! I am so mad at him for doing what he did. On my birthday… He left me. Without saying a word.
I loved him so much and I miss him. I miss him a lot. And I think this is so hard for me because I haven’t forgiven him what he did. I know it’s not right, but I just…can’t. And I don’t know what to do.

-B-

3 comments:

  1. Suicide is one of the most selfish acts man ever came up with. I'm sorry you had to go through that but you are right about one thing... If you don't forgive you are never going to move forward. You are a strong, beautiful girl and I hope one day you will understand that his acts were in no way your fault nor are they acceptable, but that doesn't mean you can't move forward and remember the lesson you learned from all of this. Never hurt your friends and family by such an incredible act of selfishness.

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  2. Oh, that is sad. Sorry to hear this.

    Btw, I stopped by to say I have an award for you at my blog. When you have a few minutes, please do come visit. ;-)

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  3. I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how hard that would be.

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